THE PASSION OF THE CLAUS: AN ALTERNA-FABLE FOR OUR (HOLIDAY) TIMES

PART ONE

So many of the children ask how it is that the ideal world we all now take for granted came to be.  How is it that there are no possessions, no need for greed for hunger, nothing but a brotherhood of man?  We take for granted that no one has or should have more than any other, we assume it is a given that peace reigns on earth, and that all disagreements are decided by warm communication of feelings expressed openly by men and women of good will.  Why would things be any different?  The joyful, reciprocal interaction we so enjoy has been part of the fabric of life for thousands of years.  

But it was not always this way.

For a brief and troubling era, there existed what in latter days would come to be called “a window”: a small but specific period of opportunity for something other than harmony and equality to hold sway.  It was the Three Wise Guys, Carmine, Vinnie and Dominic, who first heard of the dangerous new prophet; the prophet who would bring to the world heedless commerce and an endless array of products.  Merchandise designed to distract us from the foundation we had built on so many years of love and understanding.  It was the North/Northeast Star, gleaming in the night sky that beckoned to the Three Wise Guys, and bid them leave their comfortable homes and set out on a journey. 

A journey to witness the birth of the Baby Claus.  And this was the song that the people came to sing about the Wise Guys’ travels:

Said the night wind to the Three Wise Guys

Do you hear what I hear?

Do you hear what I hear?

Listen to the sound, Three Wise Guys

Ka-ching, ka-ching, soon we’ll have the luck

To express our love with a buck

To express our love with a buck

Said the Wise Guys to the Whole Big World

Do you know what we know?

Do you know what we know?

Shopping is the way of the world

The Claus, the Claus, the Claus is born oh my

He will guide us to things to buy

He will guide us to things to buy

After thirty days and thirty nights, which, depending on how you calculate things could easily cross the line into a thirty-first day, the Three Wise Guys ended their arduous travels and arrived in a barren, snow-covered place the likes of which none of them had ever seen.  And there in a manger stood shivering a full-figured woman wearing plaid and recently spent from the rigors of childbirth.  Her name was Ms Claus. 

“Who are you?” she asked, startled at the appearance of the Three Wise Guys. 

“We are three traveling Wise Guys,” said Dominic. “Here to bear witness to the birth of the infant Claus.”

“The infant who?” Ms Claus exclaimed.

Carmine chimed in.  “A prophecy foretells that the boy will soon lead us out of this time of darkness.”

“Darkness?” Ms Claus was puzzled.  “I was kind of digging it.”

“But really, madam,” Vinnie asserted with an air of superiority, “have we not grown weary of undying trust in our fellow human beings?  Are we not tired of a world where all we need is love to fulfill us, and all races and creeds care for one another as their own?  Does this not kind of suck?”

Ms Claus began to protest.  “Well, I—“

“Trust me, it sucks,” said Vinnie. “But the babe will lead us out of all this.”

“Yeah, she is kind of a babe,” said Carmine.

“Not her, you dipwad!” Vinnie said, slapping Carmine upside the head in a disturbing display of non non-violence. “I meant the child, the baby!”

“Oh,” said Carmine.

“What is to be the child’s name, woman?” Dominic asked.

“Norbert,” answered Ms Claus.

The Three Wise Guys all blurted out at the same time: “Norbert?” 

“What’s wrong with Norbert?” Ms Claus asked.

“Well, I mean, jeez,” said Carmine. “It don’t sound like no prophet to me!”

Dominic and Vinnie took Carmine aside.  “Never mind,” they told him, “they’ll change it later, you know, once his message catches on.  Besides, he’s got a whole boyhood to live out in his father’s woodworking shop before he hits it big.”

“Still,” Vinnie observed, “it’s never too late for Ms Claus here to be thinking about representation.  I mean, remember Mrs. Spears and Mrs. Lohan?  They got on the stick early and things worked out pretty good there.”

“Give it a rest you cretin!” said Dominic. “The prophecy said he was gonna be a prophet, and so he’s gonna be a prophet.”

Ms Claus stared in wonder at these three unusual men.  She couldn’t help but think that if their hostile and uncooperative nature was a sign of things to come, then the planet could be totally fuc—

Carmine’s next outburst curtailed her thought. 

“Who cares if he is a prophet,” he snorted, “long as he makes a profit,”

“Oh, great,” Vinnie said.  “Stupid Carmine made a bad pun. Now we’ll probably be cut out of the rest of the story.”

And it was true. Having provided the set-up for our alterna-fable, the Three Wise Guys will be consigned to the scrap heap of history, reappearing only as miniature die-cast figurines in later consumer versions of the Claus life story.  These figurines would be relentlessly marketed and merchandised to unsuspecting citizens during the brief but unsettling time in which Norbert Claus and his movement held the land in its grip.

And we will learn more of young Norbert Claus and how he evolved into the imposing figure he would soon become…in our next installment.

James Napoli, writer and humorist, is the author of “Christmas Letters Gone Wild.”  He has also written and directed the award winning dramatic shorts “The Priests” and “Nobody Gets Hurt.”   He is a graduate of the London Film School. 

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