VOICEMAIL PET PEEVES THAT I KEEP ALLOWING TO RUIN MY DAY

Okay, first of all, stop saying “are you there, are you there?  Pick up if you’re there.”  Not only am I not there, I no longer have an analog answering machine, so I can’t hear you anyway.  And even if I could, nothing would give me greater pleasure than standing over that answering machine, staring down at the speaker from which your voice is emanating, and pointedly ignoring you.  But, as I said, the calls are going through to a computerized message system to which I will phone in and check moments after letting your call ring through to voicemail since I didn’t want to talk to you in the first place anyway, and then when I hear your voice going “are you there?...pick up if you’re there,” I will realize I am in an endless loop of torment here on earth. 

Next: you know what’s a real pain in the ass?  When I call YOUR voicemail in response to a question you left me on my voicemail, and I leave YOU a detailed message hitting every single bullet point of your concerns, effectively answering every aspect of the question you put to me in your message, and then a day later I get another voicemail from you saying something like “hey, man, saw that you called, give me a call back when you get a second.”  Let me go on the record with this one: people who ask for information in a voicemail, get that information delivered to them in a voicemail, and then tune out the moment they hear your voice on the machine and don’t even listen to the content of your message should be forced to have front row seats at every stop on the upcoming New Kids on the Block Reunion Tour.

Similarly, a note to agents and producers: please give some indication as to why you are returning my call in your message.  I understand you may be passing on the script/short film/pitch I gave you eight months ago and that your professionalism may dictate you say such a thing in person, but in the future if you could at least say what it is regarding, no specifics required, it would help.  Remember, I am expecting rejection from dozens of people at any given time, so when all that is left on my voicemail is a cryptic name and number only, it sends me spinning out into “what ifs” that contribute to gastric distress.  And if you should by some miracle call me in for a meeting, the last thing your front office person needs is me in the waiting room with gastric distress.  

Finally, telephone-marketing geniuses, I have to deal with enough soulless recordings when I phone into businesses all week (“if you know your party’s extension, please dial it now,” etc….), the last thing I need is to have a recording call ME.  I don’t know who the people are who actually stay on the line when a recorded announcement calls to sell them something, but if they are that lonely there’s always LavaLife. 

James Napoli is an author and humorist who has also written and directed the award winning dramatic shorts “The Priests” and “Nobody Gets Hurt.”   He is a graduate of the London Film School. 

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