PUBLIC ACCESS TELEVISION ROCKS!

I didn’t know I was wondering about why the guy on Venice Beach who stands mostly naked on a ladder with rubber snakes decided to do what he does, but one thing I was damn sure of was that Access Hollywood was not going to cover the story. It has also become evident to me that no commercial outlet could possibly exist for a character actor who feels like ranting and raving on live television while fielding a barrage of phone calls from abusive and often homophobic adolescents each of whom have no idea that their hate speech brands them as far more of a pariah than the oddball to whom they are speaking.  Similarly, if one was, for example, a well-beyond pleasingly plump middle-aged woman who found her happiness and self-expression in shaking her roly-poly bod in front of a blue screen with another image of her doing just that, all to the accompaniment of an 80’s hair band soundtrack, it is unlikely that a network would green light your pilot.  

Luckily, we have Public Access Television, on which we can experience all of the above-named delights, along with a never-ending array of others. 

Have folks all seen those bumper stickers?  Born To Act?  The implication being that the occupant of the vehicle in front of you has been called, is powerless in the grip of a desire to put themselves out there on the boards, has landed on a career path which they did not choose, for, gentle reader, it chose them…and now, there is no turning back.  What a crock!  If they were really born to it, if they could not control the compulsion to make themselves heard, these self-important thespians who write off the leggings they buy at Capezio would do what every other hard-working citizen in America does when they are compelled to make their voices heard: take the required production course at your local cable outlet, and get cracking!

There is a purity to the productions on Public Access that cannot be found anywhere else.  Not only in the low-end production values, but also in the unabashed sincerity of (most) of its contributors.  If the mainstream media long ago abandoned any ambition it may have had to give a voice to the voiceless, rest assured there are people out there who somehow picked up the non-existent baton.  Like the man in his 40’s who hosts a program in which he interviews a panel of four people in their 80’s, all still vibrant, fun-loving souls who give their impressions of daily life as our elders.  Public Access is, of course, awash in new-age programming, but a lot of it is no different from Oprah, plus it’s a lot quieter and there are no freaks in the studio audience.  (There is no studio audience, which helps.)  I’m hoping someone out there has seen the smiling lady on roller skates and stars and stripes shorts who advocates eating raw food, or the guy with the big white beard who sits in a darkened studio and talks about philosophy, or the infamous “Balloon Man,” Mr. Morrison, who gets to cuss out the Bush Administration and a host of other societal ills with a frankness that gives Bill Maher a run for his money, and he’s been on TV for, I believe, at least 20 years.

Sure, there’s plenty of jaw-droppingly weird, pointless, well-nigh unwatchable stuff on Public Access.  About the same odds as the rest of television, as far as I’m concerned.  And in this format, at least you’re getting people who truly HAVE to do what they’re doing.  At its best it is unsettling, challenging, thought-provoking and refreshingly odd.  You know, all the things Bravo used to be.

James Napoli is an author and humorist who has also written and directed the award winning dramatic shorts “The Priests” and “Nobody Gets Hurt.”   He is a graduate of the London Film School. 

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