BITE ME, EVITE!

In my self-imposed role (dare I say duty) as youngest curmudgeon on the planet, I have discovered, and will share with you now, a new source of disproportionately monumental irritation in my life.  It’s called Evite, and the freaking thing will not leave me alone.

Is there no process in our lives that has not become butt-clenchingly streamlined, underwritten and suddenly, inexplicably indispensable to everybody?  Ask anyone who’s had a baby, gotten married or died recently about the Matrix-like levels of pre-destiny in which one is forced to participate.  Just try to drop a kid out of your womb in your own living room with nothing but a hot YMCA towel and a midwife and see if people will still talk to you.  Or make an attempt to have a simple wedding ceremony for a few friends, no formal invitations, no required tuxes or bridesmaids’ gowns, no registering at Macy’s or Target or Home Depot and see how far you get.  Recently dead?  Just try and get out of your afterlife for less than 15 grand.

And so it is, now, with party invitations. Not long ago, you ran into someone you wanted to come to your party, you told them about the party.  You might phone them and let them know.  Perhaps even photocopy a flyer using the office copier and distribute as needed.  If they made it, great, if not, see ya next time. 

No more.

You get on that damn Evite list, and heaven forbid you absorb the vital stats of the party and privately decide you’ll drop by if you feel like it.   Uh-uh, you repugnant Luddite. Here comes a reminder.  And then another.  And then when you finally knuckle under and get on the “yes” list, along with all the other suck-ups who leave sycophantic little messages (“wouldn’t miss it!” “we’ll be there!”), then there’s a couple of other reminders in your inbox after that.  Letting you know, in case you missed it, that these people you, until recently, called your friends are having a little get-together.  Although Evite does politely include a “maybe” option, so that you can publicly declare your utter ambivalence as to whether or not you ever breathe the same air as the invitees ever again.

But, once you hit the “respond” button, you get taken to a page that urges you to visit an advertiser!  Now there’s something that was missing from the old word-of-mouth invite: retail!  There’s also an option on the invitation page that is just too frightening to contemplate: “Create a Party Personality.”  The only person I could even imagine taking Evite up on this is someone who watches Tivo’d episodes of The Ellen Degeneres Show in sixteen-hour blocks.  I can only guess that creating a “party personality” is kind of like customizing your Google or Yahoo! page, only with the added feeling of being bludgeoned with a dork bat.

Oh, well.  Maybe one day there will emerge some alternate method of inviting me to a party.  Or, after having posted this article, perhaps that is a moot point.

James Napoli is an author and humorist who has also written and directed the award winning dramatic shorts “The Priests” and “Nobody Gets Hurt.”   He is a graduate of the London Film School. 

For more “I’ve Been Thinking,” check the sidebar menu on the left, or go to the Vortex Archives page.