GOSSIP SHOCKER: EVE FROM “WALL-E” CLAIMS: ‘MADONNA STOLE MY MAN!’

Dear Madonna,

I don’t know why you had to go after my man.  You’ve been in love with so many famous people, such as Sean Penn, Warren Beatty, Guy Ritchie and, of course, yourself. I suppose you figured a dalliance with a humble post-apocalyptic garbage compactor would have its slumming appeal, or perhaps you thought a machine would give you the kind of pile-driving you could not get elsewhere.  Maybe you saw that Wall-E was going to be stuck on a planet full of fat people for a while, and you made your move knowing that your being pleasingly plump would offer him something exotic in the badonkadonk department.  Oh, I can’t get caught up in the reasons you did it.  If I let myself go there, it just makes me crazy, and takes my mind off my directive. (Which, by the way, is finding a sustainable life form on an otherwise barren planet.  Just a LITTLE bit more important than performing inane dance club music for pre-adolescents and developing a sizable gay following, don’t you think?)

And don’t tell me you haven’t been up to your tricks with my Wall-E.  I see the signs.  In the old days, he would pop in a VHS of “Hello, Dolly!” before linking hands with me.  Now he watches “Evita” and goes into another room to grind his gears.  He used to collect trashcan lids and cigarette lighters, and his best friend was a cockroach.  Now he has a stash of feather boas and his best friend is an oiled-up background dancer named “Antonio.”  Do you know how many times I heard Wall-E use the word “Kabbalah” in a normal conversation before you came along?  Exactly none.  Lately, it’s every other word out of his mouth.  And every time I try to get intimate with him, he avoids me.  When I ask him why, he says he’s going through a phase where he feels “Like A Virgin.”  And when I am finally able to bring up the subject of being together, he says our relationship has gotten boring, and would I consider maybe a lip-lock with one of the other female search robots to spice things up.  Plus, I didn’t even know Wall-E could read, let alone get to work on a coffee table book about sex. 

It’s just not fair, Madonna.  You could have had any man you wanted.  Why go after mine?  You don’t understand what a true commitment is, you tramp.  Would you go to the trouble of searching through trash heaps for a suitable replacement for his motherboard?  Would you re-assemble him if it came down to it?  Of course you wouldn’t.  You will use him and then throw him away, just like every other man you’ve ever been with.  And I’ll be left to pick up the pieces.  And Wall-E, if you’re reading this, I haven’t decided yet if I’m going to take you back.  You need to prove to me that this kind of thing will never happen again.  And from the way you go quiet whenever I mention Miley Cyrus, I’m afraid I just can’t be sure. 

Heart-breakingly,

Eve

James Napoli’s new book The North Pole Employee Handbook will be released by Cider Mill Press in the fall of 2008.  He is an author and humorist who has also written and directed the award winning dramatic shorts “The Priests” and “Nobody Gets Hurt.” 

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