TOP EVENTS AT THIS SUMMER’S FILM INDUSTRY OLYMPICS!

The Olympics tend to show all of us up as pathetic, unmotivated blobs of ectoplasm.  When supremely fit athletes who have trained for years on end toward excellence in their crafts are now realizing their goals and showing us how much we might achieve if only we had their greatness, it kind of puts things like toiling in the movie industry in perspective. Comparatively little training or talent required, yet the metaphorical going for gold is the unspoken motivator, and those who come in second miss out on lucrative endorsement deals. One thing the film business needs is a little more of that healthy competition embodied by the Olympic athletes.  It is in this spirit that I offer the following list of competitive events for filmmakers.  Perhaps having to accomplish these tasks in front of the screaming multitudes will inject some new blood into a tired format.

MEN’S FREESTYLE FALLING APART IN THE THIRD ACT – In this action-packed event, writers and directors are given the first two acts of a perfectly adequate screenplay, and given half an hour to completely screw it up by the time it’s over.  The only problem with this event is that there are so many winners it is always hard for the judges to decide who gets the gold.

MEN’S AND WOMEN’S GIVING IT ALL AWAY IN THE TRAILER COMPETITION – Here, post-production trailer-cutting facilities do battle with studio suits over how much to reveal about the movie in the coming attraction.  The first supervising editor to convince the studio not to show the entire story arc in two minutes wins.  No one has ever won this event.

100 YARD DASH TO OBSCURITY – Ten current well-known faces such as that guy who is in all the Judd Apatow movies and that other girl who you think is in all of them, but has really only been in one, line up to sprint as fast as they can toward being forgotten.  Financial planners wait as they cross the finish line to make sure they invest wisely enough to get them through the next fifty years.

WOMEN’S FREESTYLE FINDING THE KNIFE ON THE KITCHEN COUNTER JUST IN TIME – This homage to women-in-jeopardy films challenges female protagonists to fend off their attacker by frantically slapping one of their free hands along the kitchen counter during the melee, and having it settle on the butcher block knife holder just in time to plunge the deadly utensil into the killer’s back.  Prop knives only, please. 

SPEED JUNKETING – Modeled after speed dating, celebrities promoting their various movies must deliver all pertinent information about their project in seven seconds or less.  Should lead to even more movies based on existing book properties. 

MEN’S VINDICTIVE JAVELIN TOSS – Struggling writers and actors compete to see if the javelin they throw will sail far enough to land squarely in the throat of the agent/producer/casting director/friend-who-promised-to-read-their-script-or-cut- their-reel but didn’t. 

These are just some of the exciting events that a show-business style Olympics might yield.  Plus, every four years we could have a different international city host the event.  I understand the runaway production division is pushing for Vancouver in 2010.

James Napoli’s new book The North Pole Employee Handbook will be released by Cider Mill Press in the fall of 2008.  He is an author and humorist who has also written and directed the award winning dramatic shorts “The Priests” and “Nobody Gets Hurt.” 

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