MIDWEST MISERY By Adam Hirschfeld

Woe is not us.

Man up, Cleveland! Gird up your loins, throw your sack in the air, let your nuts hang, say it like you got a pair, whatever it takes. We’re not going to piss and moan this time.

Sure, the Indians just collapsed and let a 3-1 advantage evaporate into the New England air as if they took a collective light saber to the chest.

Just as there is no crying in baseball, there shall be no crying about Indians baseball. Consider this a direct order from the Misery, where we have made a career (well, a hobby), out of bitching about the lack of success of our sports teams. Heck, it’s not limited to the lack of success; how our teams end up failing is a part of the whole cathartic wailing procedure.

You want to know why the Indians lost the series? They got outplayed in the last three games. Their bats disappeared faster than your brother-in-law when the check comes. They managed and coached with all the baseball acumen of Morris Buttermaker before Amanda got under his skin, sobered him up, and made him care about life again. Their hands turned to stone in the field as if they stared into the eyes of Medusa herself.

For those of you who appreciate precision, you can select any one of the following exact moments that the series was lost:

1.  Wednesday following Game 4: no game is played. The Red Sox had an important day to catch their breath due to the lengthened schedule. The Indians had a day to tighten up. Both happened. Thank you Major League Baseball for the long schedule. Seeing as ratings for the series were higher than in a while, I guess MLB got what it needed.

2.  Game 5: Travis Hafner hits into a double play with two on and no one out in the first. While the Indians tied the game on the play, had Hafner not hit into a double play, after Victor Martinez’s subsequent hit, the Indians most likely have a tie game, two on, and one out. And, if you will recall, the Red Sox were allegedly concerned about Josh Beckett’s back (I say allegedly because Beckett showed no signs of wear and tear, plus a back injury, being difficult to disprove, was the perfect excuse for Terry Francona to dodge criticism for starting Tim Wakefield in Game 4). If the Indians started a rally, who knows what Francona does with his pitcher?

3. Game 5: Eric Wedge channels the ghost of Grady Little and needlessly sends C.C. Sabathia out to pitch the seventh inning despite the fact that, while the announcers on Fox made it seem like he went pitch-for-pitch with Beckett, C.C. was lucky to survive having given up only two runs to that point. All Wedge should have cared about was keeping that lead at one run. That ensures the tying run is always at the plate; if a runner gets on base, the winning run steps to the plate. The Indians showed during the playoffs (and this would have applied in Game 5) that when games went past the opposing closer, they were in the driver’s seat. The Tribe would have had at least Joe Borowski, Tom Mastny, and Aaron Laffey in the bullpen at that point. The Red Sox would have rode Beckett until turning the ball over to Jonathon Papelbon. I’m not saying the Indians would have won (you could argue Game 5 was over when Beckett came out to pitch), but the entire game is different if the Indians had put up late inning zeroes.

4. Game 7: Jake Westbrook is robbed of a double play when Manny Ramirez’s line drive hits the back lip of the infield grass (the second consecutive day this happened, no less, Fenway Park gets less grooming than a French adult film star) and bounces over Jhonny Peralta. Sure, it resulted in only one run, but each run counts.

5. September: the Indians lose a game at Kansas City, robbing them of home-field advantage for the American League Playoffs. That leads to Game 7: Ryan Garko hits a 450-foot blast that unfortunately collides with the Green Monster at the 375 foot mark and falls for a double. Are you sensing a home field advantage?

6. Game 7: Manny Ramirez guns down Kenny Lofton who is trying to stretch a single into a double. The only problem is that replays showed Lofton was safe.

7. Game 7: Possibly because he is an idiot, possibly worried about Lofton previously being gunned down taking an extra base, third base coach Joel Skinner guarantees an exile from Cleveland by holding Lofton on a hard hit ball from Franklin Guitierrez that caroms of the “jut” in Fenway Park’s foul territory.

If you are not a fan of precision, than I’ll paint the broad strokes as well: Neither Sabathia nor Fausto Carmona pitched worth a lick, Grady Sizemore and Travis Hafner didn’t hit their IQs much less their weights, and the “Raffy Left-Raffy Right” combo was reduced to Raffy Right and some guy who got a case of whiplash watching home runs fly out of Boston.

Look, despite any predictions made here in the hopes of one coming true, the Red Sox have a better team than the Indians. They also have the benefit of more postseason experience and, other than in 2005, have proven to be an absolute monster in elimination games. You have to step on their throats and slit them to knock out the BoSox. It’s that simple.

Whining about it isn’t going to change the result. Instead, the Indians should be proud that they made the playoffs, vanquished the Yankees (possibly sending them back to the Eddie Whitson/Danny Tartabull years), and nearly knocked off a superior team. The front office should take the success of this year and build on it, following the Red Sox model of upgrading where necessary while continuing to make the right decisions regarding prospects. The Indians can be right back in this spot next year.

Maybe they’ll be able to get the dagger out of their pants.

Comments? Adamh164@yahoo.com