MIDWEST MISERY By Adam Hirschfeld

Welcome to 2008, where the Ohio State Buckeyes get a chance to redeem themselves while the Cleveland Browns make travel plans to go someplace warm.

It’s been a while since we last had time to chat, and a lot has happened. To wit:

-The Mitchell Report got released. The vast majority of the Report’s seedy content was already public information. The rest indicted Roger Clemens. Remember that old Reebok commercial that showed Clemens jamming his arm into a barrel of rice? Yeah, I didn’t think that would be too effective a workout either.

-American University beat Maryland in men’s basketball. Haley’s Comment visits the Earth more often, as the last time the Eagles pulled this off, the Great Depression had not yet occurred. Coach Jeff Jones was so excited, he scarfed down an extra dozen donuts. The Eagles then lost to Georgetown, a university that had stubbornly refused to play them for 25 years since the last time, Patrick Ewing and company met defeat. John Thompson was a real nice guy.

-The Browns won ten games and missed the playoffs. Against the Bengals, Derek Anderson picked a bad time to show everyone why he lost the starting job in training camp to Seattle cheerleader Charlie Frye. The poor Browns have a difficult schedule next year, playing the AFC South and NFC East. They could be better and still flip their record. At least they finally won some games at home; the alcoholics from the West Side would have torched the airport with another 3-5 season by the shores of Lake Erie.

-Anderson Varejao and Sasha Pavlovic showed up. They suck now, but at least they’re not holding out. The Cavaliers also announced that Larry Hughes is on the trading block, which is about as newsworthy as the band Warrant announcing it is available for club dates. If Danny Ferry can deal Hughes, I will suspend my hatred of Duke for one year. Do you think Lebron James feels like Clint Howard’s kid in the movie “Parenthood?”

-Rich Rodriguez left West Virginia to take the coaching job at the University of Michigan. Rodriguez would have signed sooner, but he insisted on a provision in his contract that will continue to allow him to fuck his cousin. Ohio State fans are nervous because Rodriguez runs a spread offense, but should take comfort in the fact that much like his predecessor, Lloyd Carr, Rodriguez loses one or two games a year for no good reason. Pitt?

-The New England Patriots made it through the regular season undefeated. Which is nice, because Boston teams don’t ever seem to win anything or get any coverage in the media.

-The Cleveland Indians did absolutely nothing. Kind of reminds you of how they played Games 5-7 of the ALCS, doesn’t it? Nothing like watching your rival (Detroit) pull off a deal Mark Shapiro could have pulled off if he wasn’t so enamored with his five Triple-A quality lefthanders.

-Bill Parcells came out of retirement again to wrestle Mick Foley in a Texas Death Match at Wrestlemania. I’m sorry, Parcells has waffled on retirement so many times, I have confused him with Terry Funk. Parcells will try to turn around a terrible Miami Dolphin franchise.

-NHL hockey was played. This satisfies my personal goal of mentioning professional hockey in my column this year.

Comments? Adamh164@yahoo.com