There are some films in this world that just shouldn’t be viewed by anyone, and this movie is definitely on that list. Crazy Eights, released by Lionsgate films, is a movie that is just one big jumble of shotty footage, lacking storyline, sub-par acting, and horrible, almost laughable, special effects, put together to form something that resembles a horror film, which is a shame, considering that the initial premise of the movie is extremely intriguing.

In this story, six lifelong friends come together at the funeral of one of their group. While going through the will of the recently deceased, they discover a map and a set of instructions that urges them to uncover a time capsule they had placed out in the middle of nowhere as children. When they open the time capsule, they discover the remains of a young child, and soon the group becomes trapped in the middle of nowhere in an unknown hospital, while the ghost of the young girl start to kill each person off one by one. Within this framework, the filmmakers inserted every horror film cliché they could possibly think off, while giving the viewers a bare minimum of storyline and character depth. Each person involved is barely fleshed out, hastily tossed into a deadly situation, and murdered subsequently, with hardly a shred of substance to them. It’s really bad when you watch a film and find yourself completely apathetic to every character within the story, even to the point that you don’t care of any of them live or die.

It doesn’t get any better from there. The ghost itself is a joke. You will barely ever see the creature, and when you do, it looks like a bad make up job and a torn dress. The death scenes for almost every person involved are poorly done, and look like a teenager with a Halloween special effects kit could have done better. The acting in itself is laughable at best, but when your cast includes people such as Traci Lords, you can’t expect too much. Even horror film veterans like Dina Meyer (Saw I, II, III) put on a mediocre performance. The music for many of the scenes is completely out of place, making you feel like you’re watching a coming of age tale, with its soft, melodious sounds, instead of a horror flick.

EXTRAS

Besides the different subtitle options, the only additional feature is the web casts of the Miss Horrorfest contest, which, no surprise, are more entertaining than the movie itself.

CONCLUSION

With horrible acting, cliché jumps and “boos”, and everything else, Crazy Eights is a title that is best left on the shelf. Its downfalls are so great, you can’t even bring yourself to laugh at them.