Reviewed by Eli

I will be the first to admit that my review style is slightly unfair. Great movies get great reviews, but awful movies often get pretty good reviews too. Movies that should truly get an F minus often weigh in at a C or so, just because they made me happy and entertained me. I like bad movies. Want proof? I watched In the Name of the King three times last weekend. Then I had a lengthy discussion with a friend trying to decide if it was “better” (more awesomely awful) than Roadhouse. (Roadhouse remains the champ, but only by a thin margin.) The problem is that mediocre movies get really harsh treatment from me. Long before the end of such films I’m frothing with hate and pledging F reviews and lifelong jihads.

So, Babylon A.D. This is the story of badass loner Toorop (Vin Diesel). Toorop lives in a tough not quite post apocalyptic world. He takes a mercenary gig, transporting Aurora (Melanie Thierry) from Kerblackistan to America. They are accompanied by Sister Rebeka (Michelle Yeoh). People come after them. Shit blows up. By the end of the film lots of people are dead, but Toorop is a better person.

But here’s where it gets (un)interesting. Babylon A.D. is based on Babylon Babies, a French speculative fiction novel written by a dude named Maurice Dantec. French. Speculative fiction. Uh oh. Someone is trying to be deep.

Bam. Slam. Splode. Punch. What are your thoughts on the nature of Gods role in a world that is so violent that the innocent and helpless need big guys with goofy names to protect them? Biff! Smack! Zoom! Splode some more! What are your thoughts on Kierkegaard’s posited statement in Fear and Trembling which suggests that a rational man must accept that the grace of God must exists due to the

MAKE IT STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!

I would looooooove to see a movie that successfully integrates hard philosophy and kickass action. This wasn’t it. (P.S. Neither was the Matrix, so shut up.)

I could go on about this movie all day. But let’s hit the parts I’ve missed and get on with our lives.

Michelle Yeoh does her best and manages to mostly make her monologues and character development watchable. You already know she kicks ass well.

Vin Deiesel beats the crap out of people, and talks in a gravelly voice. Not bad if you like that sort of thing, and I do.

Melanie Thierry is super hot and when called upon to act either whispers or screams. But she’s really hot. So she could totally be the next Milla Jovovitch.

Director Mathieu Kassovitz navigates the action with competence, but needs to learn a little bit more about working with actors, and how to pick a script.

On the other hand…

The extras on this DVD are pretty kickass.

Arctic Escape, Fit for the Screen and Flight of the Hummers are all short features which go in depth into a specific action sequence. Fit for the Screen is the coolest, featuring stunt coordinator Bob Brown discussing the different fighting and movement styles that were used in this particular sequence, and how all the stunt people with different backgrounds interacted.

Babylon Babies talks about the process of taking making a book into a movie; we see enough of Maurice Dantec sounding smart that I think I’m going to go read some of his books.

There is a neat little prequel include in the extras. It’s done in comic book style, with small amounts of actual animation and voice over. I thought this was really cool, and would like to see this kind of feature again on some other DVDs.

There are also deleted scenes.

After watching all the special features, I couldn’t help wondering what happened. I want to watch the movie these guys were talking about in the featurettes. Alas.

Movie: C (see how fair I was there?)

Special Features (B )