Written by Matt Goldberg

This list was much easier to make than my Top 10 of 2007. Not only did I see far fewer shitty films than great ones, but these five films were so distinctly awful that there was no agonizing over whether they belonged or if I was just being too mean.

Now you may look at this list and wonder: why didn’t you include "Epic Movie" or "Saw IV"? Because it’s not about films you know will be shit and are shit without even seeing them. It’s about films that had some kind of worthwhile potential and instead turned around and decided it was better to just insult the audience.

Here are my comebacks to these five insults.

*5. Hannibal Rising*

How did Thomas Harris, the author of the Hannibal Lector series, so badly misunderstand his own character when he adapted /Hannibal Rising/ from his own book?

Lector’s cannibalism is what makes him sensational. It’s his brilliant understanding of human psychology that makes him terrifying. Instead we learn why Hannibal likes to eat people (why can't it just be because they're delicious?) and that his iconic mask (which was only used as a precautionary measure in /Silence of the Lambs/ when he was being transferred) bears a striking similarity to a samurai’s face-guard. You know, because Hannibal Lector was always about the Way of the Samurai.

*4. The Invasion*

What’s funnier in this film? The head of the CDC slicing his hand open on a piece of an asteroid covered with organic-alien junk and not telling anyone? Pod-people puking into coffee? Nicole Kidman drop-kicking a small Asian child? Oh, take your pick and suggest your own! Aside from adding absolutely nothing to a series which has been great before and shoehorning in tired observations about how we have to accept the evils of humanity if we are to have free will, /The Invasion/ is great actors and previously successful directors making nothing but failure.

*3. Mr. Brooks*

Not that this film had loads of potential, but it is a spectacular way to botch a story of a family-man/serial-killer. No, instead we have a boring killer talking with his imaginary friend, dealing with the irritation that is Dane Cook, and easily avoiding Demi Moore as the world’s worst detective. The moment I should have walked out was when director Bruce A. Evans decided to have a techno-rave-shootout in an abandoned hallway between Moore and some guy who is totally unrelated to Mr. Brooks. Unfortunately, I was laughing so hard I couldn’t stand up.

*2. Across the Universe*

This film is a crime against The Beatles and that’s basically a crime against humanity. Someone call Amnesty International. I like The Beatles too, but if I were going to make a musical using their songs, I wouldn’t think I could coast on making sure the lyrics fit into a greatest hits album and I could dress it up with a few nice set pieces every now and then. Maybe they could have done a rough draft with The Monkees before so royally fucking over the greatest band of all time.

*1. Lions for Lambs*

If you want to talk about the most insulting film of the year, there can be no bigger deliverance of pure disdain than /Lions for Lambs/. To paraphrase Lewis Black, “I wish Robert Redford had just come in my mouth.” Only if you’ve completely ignored the news, think that discussion without principle is worthwhile, and that contributing to noise rather than trying to sort it out is a noble goal, then you’re as dumb as this film thinks you are. This is a civics lesson that’s about as timely and obvious as telling us that segregation is wrong and we should oppose the war in Vietnam. Mr. Redford, thank you for providing the crucial piece of evidence of why people think the political opinions of those in Hollywood are worthless. You boned it for everyone.