After years of waiting we finally get the biggest DVD release of the year. . .The Jewel of the Nile?  That craptastic sequel to Romancing the Stone??  Damn.

Released in 1985 just one year after Stone, it never feels like anything less than a rush job.  The Jewel of the Nile is one of those delightful sequels that make you yell things at the screen like, “What the cock were you thinking, you stupid bloody fucks?!”  It makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside.  With rage. 

If you’re still reading this after knowing which movie I’m talking about, then you’re either tenacious or masochistic.  Anyway, Jewel takes place just six months after the events of the first film.  Here we find romance novelist Joan Wilder (Kathleen Turner) and adventurer Jack Colton (Michael Douglas) seemingly enjoying their non-stop boat trip around the world, but for Joan the thrill of romance has long since faded and has been replaced by a sense of ennui.

Enter onto the scene Omar (Spiros Focás), a charismatic stranger who lures Joan away to his palace in the Middle East so she can write a biography of his life.  Joan like totally wants to be taken seriously and junk by her peers so this is her chance to prove herself.  She finds out a little too late that Omar is actually a dictator who wants to rob his people of some jewel.  Joan is now his captive and will be forced to write a flattering biography of him.  And get this – the “jewel” is actually a holy man (Avner Eisenberg)!  I’m not making this up.  The highlight of this movie’s supposed “action” is a scene with Joan, Jack and the Jewel escaping in an F-16 fighter jet into a sandstorm.  Seriously.  It also seems as though the screenwriters forgot to write in the Danny DeVito character so they threw him in almost as an afterthought.  He literally pops out of nowhere.  I could go on, but why bother?

Director Lewis Teague (don’t worry, I ain’t never heard of him either) really was in over his head when he chose to take on this movie.  He was unable to recreate the mirth and chemistry of the first film so the three leads are left with little to do but to act shrill. I won’t even get into how horrible the music was, because I may end up loudly sobbing under my desk trying to beat the traumatic memories out of my head.  To paraphrase Bart Simpson, The Jewel of the Nile sucked and blowed at the same time.   

Extras

Except for the crappy deleted scenes, the extras on this disc are surprisingly good.  “Romancing the Nile: A Winning Sequel” offers new interviews with the cast and crew including Douglas, Turner and DeVito.  In this Turner reveals that she signed on for the sequel before there was a script for it, and soon regretted that decision. 

The second featurette, “Adventures of a Romance Novelist” is pretty much just seven minutes of the director and two inept writers (Mark Rosenthal & Lawrence Konner) congratulating themselves on what a terrific film they made.  I could insert a sarcastic remark here, but this movie made my brain so very tired. 

Rounding out the extras are the aforementioned deleted scenes (if what they put in the movie is totally useless, then why the hell would anyone want to see the scenes that were thankfully rejected?) and amiable commentary by the director. 

Final Words

The Jewel of the Nile failed miserably to live up to the high standards set by its predecessor.  It is completely devoid of charm and personality and is the cinematic equivalent of fucking a corpse on a carousel.  I’m not sure what that means so make of it what you will.