Written by Nicole Pedersen

 

Nicolas Cage is a big time actor. A true movie star – pedigreed and vetted. But like most stars, Cage has a skeleton or two on his resume and one big one is about to resurface. According to Daily Variety, MGM is planning a musical remake of Cage's first major motion picture – 1983's "Valley Girl."

If you are reading this I will assume you are too young to remember much of the 1980's so let me fill you in – "Valley Girl" was the title of a song by Moon Zappa that lampooned the odd dialects of suburban Los Angeles teen girls circa 1981. It was biting social commentary in classic Zappa-family tradition until an odd thing happened for a Zappa – the song became insanely popular. Like, "American Top 40" popular. Valley-speak entered the popular lexicon. Suddenly eight year olds in Nebraska were claiming Valley Girl status, despite a glaring lack of valleys within the state. By 1983 the fad had pretty much run its course, so naturally that is when Hollywood decided to release a movie to capitalize on the past-prime phenom.

The result? A really bad version of "Romeo & Juliet," notable mainly for its soundtrack (the pursuit of which is a life-long goal for some vinyl hounds) and for setting Nicolas Cage on his road to stardom.

The new "Valley Girl" is keeping the Shakespearean pretensions of the original and is keeping the soundtrack – producer Sean Bailey ("Gone Baby Gone") plans on turning "Valley Girl" into a true musical featuring classic eighties songs. Think "Moulin Rouge" except without all of the awesome.

It is certainly possible to make a good musical out of a terrible film – remember "Little Shop of Horrors?" - but it would take a deft hand to turn the pile of crap that is "Valley Girl" into anything resembling watchable cinema. I am sure I echo the sentiments of Nicolas Cage when I say I would be just as happy to leave "Valley Girl" (the movie, the song and the phenomenon) inside the 1983 time capsule.