Hey there! First off, I'd like to say how happy I am to be here talking to all of you Joe Six-Packs without the filter of the mainstream media gettin' in our way. You folks could have chosen to read about the box-office from any interweb whatsy-doodle this weekend or you coulda picked any or all of the newspapers that have been put in front of you throughout your whole lives-- but you chose me! You called me to serve and I am not going to blink! Bless your hearts, you'll be getting' your rewards in heaven!

So, what do we have here? Looks like there's a bunch of new movies that are rearin' their heads and I just want you to know that I've been keepin' my eye on all of them! Up at the top there we've got "Beverly Hills Chihuahua" and I just think that's super 'cause I love dogs… I especially like to shoot 'em from my helicopter. Looks like that one there made a whole bunch of money. I was thinkin' that 29 million could really help out on Main Street, but darn it if those Disney fat cats didn't laugh at me when I asked them to donate it there to Mr. Paulson!

Now I've got a little joke for you: what's the difference between a Chihuahua and a Hockey Mom? It's one of those little jeweled collars!! Ha-Ha! Get it? I wish I had one of those collars 'cause I really like shiny things… now where was I? Oh yeah… the box office. Looks like that "Eagle Eye" is still doing real well at number two there, though how Steven Spielberg got a hold of my running mate's plans for the telecommunications industry I'll never know!

Another new one is called "Nick & Norah's Infinte Playlist." I really don't know who those people are or what that title means so I'm just going to tell you that it did real good this first week. My daughter Willow just told me that this movie is cool with the young people so I'm thinking that that means it's about witches... and here's me thinking I had dealt with that problem in my church last year!

Down from number two this week is that "Nights in Rodanthe." I'll tell you that I snuck out of debate boot camp to catch this one and I haven't stopped winking ever since! I'm not sure why though, 'cause I really don't feel too comfortable with the sex stuff, but what the heck! We're near the End of Days anyway and my daughter isn't the only one who knows how to have a good time there!

Now here's something that I really don't quite understand. Here's a movie called "Appaloosa" that made over 5 million dollars and they're telling me that that's a 3,321.6% jump from last week when it was only in 14 theatres. Now, I've just been saying this whole time that I'm behind my running mate "100%"!! If I knew the percents went up to more than 3,000 I would have been sayin' that instead! It's more impressive soundin', right?

Now I was laughin' when I saw this one: look at that chart there – the one called "Burn After Reading" is right next to the one called "Fireproof!" Ha! Ha! I don't think you can BURN anything that's fireproof, do you? I wonder if they planned that one 'cause it really had me laughin' there. 

Now I told you folks that there was a bunch of new movies, and it looks like they're all there at the bottom. Looks like that "American Carol" one made almost 4 million in its first week and that's super 'cause it just really gives it to those snooty liberal elites. You know, with their arugula and their tendency to like movies that make sense. Speaking of, look who's there at number 10… It's that Bill Maher and his vicious attack on Jesus called "Religulous." I'm sure glad that he made only 3.5 million 'cause he's been calling me a bimbo and stuff. Plus he takes drugs.

They're sayin' that there's a couple of other new movies out now, but I'm thinking: "say it ain't so!" I'm real tired of this here and besides, how the heck can there be more movies when everyone knows that the numbers only go to ten? Anyway, they told me to say that they're real sorry here at Collider to say that "How To Lose Friends And Alienate People" only made 1.4 million in its first week. That one there was in 1,750 theatres so I don't know what went wrong – I read that book at one of those Idaho colleges I went to and I found it real, real helpful in learning how to talk good. Plus I'm hot, you know, so that helps.

There was a few more this week, like one about windshield wipers and one about going blind – they were at numbers 11 and 12. I almost went blind one time while I was watching my windshield wipers, but Todd pulled over and I was fine after ten minutes or so…

Well that's it then. Let me just close by saying that if I am so fortunate to be called to serve my country and their box-office needs ever again, I can assure you all that I will be 3,321.6% qualified and prepared! It's time to get a maverick in to talk straight about movies and … job creation… and everything such as – wink! wink!