After the horror that was "Heroes: Volume 2," I had pretty much decided that I was through with indestructible cheerleaders and teleporting trekkies. How a once engrossing series like "Heroes" could have fallen so far so fast is still up for debate, but it's safe to say that creator Tim Kring can not blame it all on the writer's strike.
Despite swearing off "Heroes" around the time that its writer's stopped caring about plot continuity, I found myself tempted by the whole "Heroes: Villains" thing. Let's just say that hope springs eternal in the heart of the seasoned TV addict… was it possible that something of the "Heroes" I remembered could be salvaged in its third season? So on a night when I could find nothing else to watch (and no one could catch me) I decided to give the show a second (or third?) chance to win me back – and what did I get for my trouble? Some of the laziest writing I have witnessed in years… and I watch "Grey's Anatomy" so that's really saying something - seriously.
Here's what I'm talking about: If you paid attention at all to Volume 1, you will remember Sylar. Presented as the uber villain, the early model Sylar was a man on a mission; the fact that we knew little about him personally and rarely heard him speak just made him all the more frightening. Sylar was ultimately thwarted by the forces of good, only to rise again (albeit stripped of power) in Volume 2.
So how does Volume 3 reintroduce us to its titular terror? In the opening moments of the first episode, Sylar finally locates Claire - long his target for the healing powers he can suck out of her. When the one-time cheerleader marvels at his miraculous lack of deadness, he helpfully explains that, yes, he was detoured from his mission for a time and that he had "spent a little time south of the border."
Then he lets fly with this:
"But that's all behind me now, like a long night after a bad taco."
Let me back up a second: I made it clear that this man Sylar is supposed to be scary, right? Maybe it's just me, but I think that the word 'taco' is about as menacing as the N word is funny. Plus, a not so subtle reference to the man's digestive process does not exactly scream: "Bitch, you better start screaming!"
Later, as our villain chases Claire throughout her new home, he handily seals all of her possible exit points with his mind – this is classic Sylar. It would seem that Claire is trapped... But wait! What is that door beyond the kitchen? Could it be a pantry? I'm sure Sylar will never reach her if she goes in there!
Our frightened little heroine does indeed barricade herself in said pantry, much to the annoyance of her pursuer. Apparently Sylar, the man who can send cars flying with a flick of his wrist, is totally stumped when confronted by a slatted pantry door! That about did it for me; any series that is going to insult my intelligence like that does not deserve to be included on my Tivo queue. I mean, "Heroes" was never on par with "The Sopranos" or anything, but at least it used to make an effort!
Last week my fellow Collider contributor Matt Goldberg wrote that no one gets to the end of their life and says: "I wish I had watched more television." I've realized that Matt is absolutely right. I may not be at the end of my life quite yet, but I already wish I had watched less television -- specifically, the first episode of the third season of "Heroes." That's one precious hour that I can never, never get back. Well, at least I can finally say that the whole "Heroes" experiment is behind me now – much like a long night after a bad taco…
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