There should be some sort of law that says if you take what sounds like a ten-year-old's unbridled imagination—a man from outer space joins with Vikings and together they fight a non-flying dragon-like creature—and make that movie boring, you should serve time in prison.  Co-writer/director Howard McCain has broken this law with "Outlander", a film that finds more excitement from dudes balancing on shields than from fighting a fucking dragon.

After crash-landing in Norway in the year 709, spaceman Kainan (Jim Caviezel) is on the hunt for a "moorwen", a creature that glows red, smells like death, and the only source of real excitement in this flick before its presence is overused and we see that it just looks like an overweight iguana on its way to a rave.  Before Kainan can even get hunting, he's captured by a clan of "Vikings".  I put "Vikings" in quotations because while I don't expect an in-depth historical analysis of real-life Vikings, the guys in "Outlander" come off a freaking cereal box.  They're not brutal, they're not vicious, and I think they would recoil in horror if anyone ever suggested rape and/or pillaging.  They're gentle Vikings and soon they come to appreciate, respect, and in the case of the Viking princess Freya (Sophia Myles) love boring-ass Kainan. 

Let me stop for a moment to note Caviezel's tremendous drag on the movie.  The guy has the charisma of dishwater and the guy looks like he could not be having less fun in a movie where he fights alongside Vikings to fight a huge monster.  Also, even if you can forget that Caviezel's most memorable role is as Jesus, "Outlander" won't let you forget because there's a priest living among the cuddly Vikings.  They don't accept the missionary's ways but apparently they just keep him around because why wouldn't you want to hang with someone who calls you and your entire people a bunch of heathens?  So you have this priest hanging around and every time he's on the screen, you're pulled out of a film that barely has your attention in the first place.

Of course, the priest is just representative of how misguided this movie is.  I can appreciate fantasy wanting to ground itself in realism, but when a fantasy movie does that well, like "Lord of the Rings", it's grounding itself in real emotion.  McCain thinks he needs to ground it in historical realism.  It's why you have Kainan wasting time teaching himself English with a sharp poke to the eye or the worthless conflicts of Viking hierarchy.  Anyone with a cursory knowledge of history knows that this movie isn't going to be historically accurate so why waste time indulging in mythical Viking culture?  Why not use the conflict that someone from a different planet would have with a barbaric race?  Sure, they two could eventually work together, but the speed at which Kainan and the Vikings get along just makes it look like neither has a culture.  If McCain was trying to point out that a futuristic civilization was just as barbaric as a primitive one—that would be great.  But he's not.  He and co-writer Dirk Blackman clearly just didn't think anything through beyond their admittedly exciting premise.

There were a lot of things I was willing to forgive from "Outlander".  I was willing to forgive the cheap-looking production (the props look like they were purchased from a local Party City for the bargain price of a $1.99) and even a few stilted performances.  But I wanted this movie to be FUN; to recognize the ridiculousness of its premise and run with it.  The most fun this film has is a comic relief character who likes mead.  I'm dead serious, although still not quite as serious as "Outlander".